Not A Review Of “X-Men: Apocalypse”

So last week we (meaning I) watched “X-Men: Apocalypse“, the latest of the X-Men movies, at least until “X-Men: Dark Phoenix” comes out. Hmm, I wonder what “Dark Phoenix” will be about …

Knowing my wife probably wouldn’t be super interested in this movie (to put it mildly), I started it while she was in the other room. She wandered in a few minutes later, probably drawn by the loud noises and explosions, and watched for a few minutes as Apocalypse’s great pyramid collapsed on top of him, brought down by a rebellious group of ancient Egyptians. Lots of blowing sand, crumbling hieroglyph-inscribed walls, and flying giant blocks of stone ensued, as did this conversation:

Wife: “What is this?”
Me: “X-Men.”
Wife: “What?”
Me: “X-Men.”
Wife: “This is X-Men? I thought it was that other movie.”
Me: “The Mummy?”
Wife: “Yes! Why are the X-Men in ancient Egypt?”
Me: “They’re not. This is just a prologue.”

Once the prologue was over, of course, we were back in the present day. More or less. More less than more, since it was the 1980s. Hence all the mullets. You can’t really see them in the poster, but they’re definitely in the movie. What else might be in the movie? Hmm.

Wife: “Is this the one with Darkpool?”
Me (beat): “No, Darkpool isn’t in this movie.”

Sorry ladies! We are fresh out of Darkpool this time around. But you know who we do have?

Me: “Ugh. Jubilee. Bargain basement Dazzler.”
Wife: “Which one came first?”
Me (firmly, borderline indignant): “Dazzler.”
Wife: “Why is Dazzler your favorite, anyway?”
Me: “I’m not really sure.” (beat) “Maybe because when I got the Marvel Super-Heroes RPG* and started flipping through it, she was the first character page I landed on.”
Wife: “Seriously? And do you like orange because your house had orange curtains when you were little?”
Me: “No, I like orange because my room had wallpaper with orange dinosaurs on it when I was little.”
Wife: “So you just imprint on the first thing you see? Are you a duck?”

Welllll …

Anyway, “X-Men: Apocalypse” put my wife to sleep in about 20 minutes, and I’m pretty sure the only reason she stayed awake that long was that Dennis was being a pest. But then he finally fell asleep on the sofa, so she was able to go to sleep too. Which is probably just as well, because she didn’t have to listen to me say things like “Quicksilver’s scenes really show why Speed was by far the most expensive upgrade you could buy in the Champions game”, as you can see for yourself in the following clip:

Wife (after watching the above clip on YouTube): “That would have been Tucker’s dream acting job.”
Me: “Yep. Eat pizza while somebody carries you around.”

Some of my other observations included “Storm doesn’t shoot lightning directly from her hands” and “Psylocke’s psychic blade can’t cut a truck in half” and “If Jean can’t telepathically reach the soldiers through that cage, how come she is still able to make them not see her?”. Though I didn’t actually say any of those things, because no one was listening. I definitely thought them though. You would know that if you were Charles Xavier. Which you’re not.

Oh and by the way, guess who’s finally going to make her X-Men movie debut in “Dark Phoenix”? Go ahead, guess! Here’s a hint: She’s on this old X-Men cover:

Here’s another hint: Rogue and Psylocke have already been in X-Men movies, and despite the long, flowing blonde hair, Longshot isn’t a “she”. I think that just leaves the lady in blue. Hey, Dazzler, what do we say about that?

Well, maybe not quite that. But it’ll do for now!

* This was before I actually started reading comic books.