Not A Review Of “Beetlejuice Beetlejuice”

So this week we (meaning I) watched Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, which, as you may have guessed from the name, is the sequel to Beetlejuice. Presumably in another 30 years or so there will be a threequel called Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice and then we’ll really be in for it.

Anyway, Beetlejuice Beetlejuice is another one of those movies that my wife was at one point interested in seeing, but by the time we finally sat down to watch it, she had some work to do on her laptop, and apparently she had seen or heard some bad things about it and had kinda lost interest in it. Since I’m not one to be dissuaded from watching a movie by a few (or indeed an overwhelming flood of) negative reviews, I plowed ahead with it while she was doing her work on the other sofa.

Me (pausing after the opening credits): “Are you sure you don’t want me to wait until you’re finished with your work so you can watch this?”
Wife: “No I’m good.”

So she continued working while I watched the movie which, I have to admit, was not the greatest; in fact, it managed the rare trick of being both scattershot and obvious, and way more mean-spirited than the original. I did, however, find it highly amusing that every time Willem Dafoe’s cowboy cop ghost* (who is on the trail of both Beetlejuice and his ghost-soul-sucking, completely-unnecessary-to-have-in-the-movie ex-wife, played by Monica Bellucci**) showed up, his assistant materialized from out of nowhere to hand him a cup of coffee to drink.

Anyway, as it turned out, my wife apparently had a lot of work to do, because she kept doing it throughout the entire running time of the movie. Aside from the occasional disinterested glance at the screen, she didn’t pay it any attention, at least until the big musical number at the climax (which, sadly, was not “The Banana Boat Song” this time; it was “MacArthur Park”). Oh, wait, before we proceed, hang on a second:

All right, so, yeah, the big musical number at the climax. Here we go:

I may be the only Gen-Xer who is not familiar with this song, but I’m quite sure I never heard it before. Based on the mind-bogglingly insipid lyrics, I wondered if it might not be some kind of parody, and said so.

Me (listening to lyrics with increasing disbelief): “Is this a real song?”
Wife (instantly): “Yes.”

For some reason, her immediate, matter-of-fact response cracked me up so hard that I literally had to pause the movie until I recovered.

Me: (incoherent with mirth)
Wife (almost apologetically): “My parents used to listen to it.”

This was easily the best laugh I got out of the entire Beetlejuice Beetlejuice experience.

Wife: “I haven’t heard you laugh that hard in months.”

So, yeah, that’s a real song all right. In fact it’s been covered multiple times, including by Donna Summer. Her version played over the closing credits to the film:

Me: “Oh, here’s the Donna Summer version.”
Wife: (busy working)
Me: “I don’t hear her singing about cake. Maybe they changed the lyrics for the movie.”
Wife: (busy working)
Me: “Oh, okay, now she’s singing about cake.” (beat) “Maybe it’s metaphorical …”

As it happens, I was just reading an article in The New Yorker about Lorne Michaels and the genesis of Saturday Night Live, and it mentioned that when Andy Kaufman auditioned for the show, said audition consisted of his doing an entirely deadpan reading of the lyrics for this song. Of course, I went and found the video, but first, here are the lyrics, in case you would like to have them as a reference:

Spring was never waiting for us, girl
It ran one step ahead
As we followed in the dance
Between the parted pages and were pressed
In love’s hot, fevered iron
Like a striped pair of pants

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
‘Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again, oh no

I recall the yellow cotton dress
Foaming like a wave
On the ground around your knees
The birds like tender babies in your hands
And the old men playing checkers by the trees

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
‘Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again, oh no

There would be another song for me
For I will sing it
There would be another dream for me
Someone will bring it

I will drink the wine while it is warm
And never let you catch me looking at the sun
And after all the loves of my life
After all the loves of my life, you’ll still be the one

I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it
I will have the things that I desire
And my passion flow like rivers through the sky

And after all the loves of my life
Oh, after all the loves of my life
I’ll be thinking of you and wondering why

MacArthur’s Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down
Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don’t think that I can take it
‘Cause it took so long to bake it
And I’ll never have that recipe again
(Oh no)
(Oh no)

Ready for the dramatic reading? Okay, here we go:

Incidentally, while watching the credits for Beetlejuice Beetlejuice, I noticed that the part of Jeremy had been played by one Arthur Conti. He reminded me of an actor named Tom Conti that I remember seeing in a few things back in the day, such as Reuben, Reuben and a couple notable episodes of Friends. (I used to think Tom Conti might make a good Doctor someday.)

Anyway I thought maybe Arthur Conti was Tom Conti’s son, so I looked him up, and he is in fact Tom Conti’s grandson. And now I need to go lie down.

* This character was not a real cop when he was alive, but was an actor who played a cop in the movies. The name of the cop character he played was “Frank Hardballer”, which absolutely sounds like the name of a character in a cheeseball cop movie franchise. Probably he would have been played by Nicolas Cage in real life.
** I too am surprised that I would ever refer to a character played by Monica Bellucci as “completely unnecessary”, and yet here we are.
*** I mean, I can sympathize. I used to have a really good recipe for lamb korma that I got out of a book of Indian recipes in the public library back East, which I have since lost. I don’t remember the name of the book, and the library is now 3,000 miles away, so I’ll never have that recipe again. Oh no.