Most of the readers of this blog are probably aware of my other, much-more-popular-than-this-one blog, Dennis’s Diary of Destruction, which features the antics and adventures of three dogs, an evil cat, ninja hedgehogs, a sarcastic field mouse, a stoner ex-DEA drug-sniffing dog, and various other bit players. When I discovered that Dragon Stones had hit the best-seller list on the Amazon.co.uk Kindle store, I put Dennis’s blog on hiatus so I could concentrate on finishing my next fantasy novel (which is not a sequel to Dragon Stones — but, due to popular demand, such a sequel will be coming eventually). This decision produced much sadness amongst Dennis’s nice readers. Fortunately, one of them, Mango Relentlessly Huge, has most thoughtfully provided an ending to my book so that I can get back to Dennis’s Diary that much faster. So here, for your reading pleasure, is the final chapter of my next novel, as written by Mango the mastiff. Enjoy!
Aslip lay down his sword and settled against the rock. The sun warmed his skin and he sensed the healing powers it would bring to his weary and battle scared body. His eyes closed and he began drifting into a long awaited slumber.
How much time had passed? He could not be sure, but he awoke with the sense that he was no longer alone. Instinctively, he reached for his weapon just as the bushes in front of him parted and out stepped… a vision. A glorious figure of womanhood.
He could hardly believe his eyes. After months of seeing little save carnage and destruction, here before him was the embodiment of all that he had been fighting for. All that he had hoped, dreamed of preserving. Her skin was white and smooth. Her hair gleamed in the sun. And those gazongas! Oh yeah!
Aslip rose as she approached. She reached out her hand and touched him and a shiver ran through him.
“Brave warrior,” she said, “I am Butterram. I’ve been sent by the people wot are knot human to reward you for all you have done.”
And with that, she reached up and with a quick motion unfastened her cloak which slid to the ground in a river of silk leaving her totally nekked. Yuh.
Cautiously at first and then with more intensity, Aslip reached out to her. Touched her hair, her face, her unmentionables. “Turn around, fair maiden so that I can enjoy my reward,” he gasped. As she complied he was pleased to see that his trousers had already been undone and fallen to his ankles and he began to hump her jolly bottom areas with great vigor.
But just as his crayon was about to color within the lines, Butterram turned and savagely sunk her curiously long and sharpened nails into his neck, raking great streaks and drawing blood. He had barely recovered and, indeed, his lower half seemed inexplicably still engaged in activity when she drew back her lips and made to bitey his neck with her toofers.
“Help me! You are no hot gal, you are an evil mutant changeling thing determined to bite me and suck out my DNA and produce illicit products!” Aslip was experiencing extreme terror.
Just then, a shadow darkened the sky and a sound most horrible pierced the air. A mighty dragon swooped down, snatched Butterram’s head and popped it right off. Blood gushed out of her neck even as her voluptuous body swayed before dropping to the ground. Blood, yeah, for sure, a whole lot, and maybe even some guts too. You bet.
As the dragon circled the townspeople came running. And they were elves and fairies and bimbos and other things wot are not exactly human, but humanoid kinds of creatures that you find in fantasy books. Get it? Fantasy beings.
“Oh!” shouted a decidedly nasty looking little troll, “that fire breathing dragon just beheaded Butterram.”
“That was no fire breathing dragon,” corrected Aslip, “that was my wife.”
“Oh yeah,” chimed in a pointy eared thing of indeterminent sexualness, “I recognize her from the time I had nine items in the eight item check out line. What a bitch.”
The dragon, being keen of hearing responded to this accusation by vomiting forth a horrific spew of fire which caused the pointy eared one to combust and turn to cinders on the spot. And it was really stinky and gross.
Aslip knew he needed to make things right with his wife. “Oh wifey! That evil thing bewitched me and caused me to behave in a most inappropriate manner. You know that you are my only true love.”
“Bite me,” scoffed the dragon, “I am fed up with your dumb ass behavior and huzzy chasing. We’re through!”
The sound of thundering hooves broke this domestic interlude and all heads turned to see a glistening white stallion approaching at full speed. Atop rode a really handsome guy. Yeah, he was nekked from the waist up and had a six pack ab set and flowing locks and trailed the faint scent of All Spice. Like he was totally hot, I mean it. In his saddle bags could be seen the handle of a saws all and the binding of “war and peace.” Obviously this guy was educated AND handy around the house for sure.
As he looked at the dragon, she batted her eyes coquettishly and made to jump upon the horse. A collective gasp rose from the crowd. Would she harm this adonis? But no, as the dragon made her leap she transformed into a beautiful over 40 woman. Made even lovelier by the signs of life apparent in her features. Her round, middle aged curves settled into the saddle as she snuggled up behind behind the manly man he dude.
“Later, losers,” exclaimed the heretofore dragon, but now alluring lady. And off they rode into the sunset.
Aslip turned to the menfolk. “Let’s order pizza! I hear the Red Sox are on at 1!”
Pizza and a shapeshifting dragon! Who could ask for more?
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