So we watched August Rush tonight at our friends’ house around the corner. I wouldn’t normally do two reviews back to back, but I wanted to get this one done while the memory of this claptrap was still fresh.
August Rush is the story of a boy named Evan who’s in an orphanage but dreams of finding his parents. All I can say, after having seen this movie, is: <KRONK VOICE> “Riiiiiiiiight.”
WARNING: Spoilers follow. If you plan to see August Rush (please God, don’t do it), you may want to stop reading.
I can’t even begin to describe this celluloid travesty, so I’ll just summarize it with “Things August Rush Taught Us” (with apologies to Badmovies.org):
- If you give up your baby for adoption at the hospital, nobody bothers to counsel you, talk to you about it afterwards, or even make sure that the person signing the paperwork is really you and not, oh, say, your father, signing it while you’re unconscious.
- A mother who has carried her baby almost to term, and then gets hit by a car, and then wakes up in the hospital, and then gets told by her baby-hostile father that the baby is “gone”, will not:
A) Ask hospital staff any questions about her dead baby, so they can say “oh he’s not dead, you gave him up for adoption.”
B) Ask to see the body, so they can say “oh he’s not dead, you gave him up for adoption.”
C) Get involved in or expect there to be any funeral arrangements
Despite this utter lack of interest, she will then pine for her baby for the next eleven years, convinced he’s really alive.
- The odds that a healthy baby that’s given up for adoption will actually get adopted are apparently nil.
- Kids can just wander away from orphanages any time they feel like it.
- There’s evidently only one “Child Services” office in the entire city of New York, and it has serious trouble keeping track of the kids in the system, despite its whiz-bang computer system (see below).
- Dozens of kids can live in an abandoned New York City theater that still has power and heat and no one will notice.
- NYC “Child Services” caseworkers go around stapling pictures of missing kids to telephone poles instead of notifying the police about them.
- Every single street musician in NYC works for Robin Williams.
- Police officers are easily distracted by kids waving their arms and yelling “Hey cops!”.
- The NYC “Child Services” computers are so powerful they can instantly find a kid just by typing in his birthday, yet the workers don’t have cell phones.
- Musical prodigies can figure out how to play a pipe organ in like ten minutes. A pipe organ. Including the knobs, the foot pedals, and all those other crazy whangdoodles.
- Julliard doesn’t care if an eleven-year-old boy has no money, legal guardian, social security number, or place to live; they’ll still take him on as a student. They certainly won’t bother trying to find out where he came from and they won’t contact “Child Services” about him. Julliard also lets random crazy people freely enter their campus and barge into rehearsals, and will just let said crazy people remove said eleven-year-old student from said rehearsal.
- The New York Philharmonic will just call somebody up after ten years, even though that person hasn’t performed anywhere in all that time, and ask them to come and solo on the cello.
- New York City randomly locks the gates on subway stations, thus forcing people who may be in them to go through the tunnels to some other station that still allows access to the surface.
- Nobody at “Child Services” monitors the fax machine, but rather, they just let it spit notices about missing and exploited children onto the floor or into the trash or whatever.
- New Yorkers will conveniently part for people who try to shove their way through a crowd down to the stage during a concert in Central Park.
Seriously, this movie was just about the most ridiculous piece of nonsense we’ve ever seen. My wife stayed awake for the whole thing, but that’s because it was so mind-bogglingly awful we were having a grand old time making fun of it. On the other hand, one of our friends fell asleep almost immediately, so I think we’ll use that rating instead.