Not A Review Of “Captain America: Brave New World”

So last week, which ended with one of the let’s call it boomier of US holidays, we indulged in our annual tradition of finding something noisy to watch so that Lulu (and, to a much lesser extent, Bean) wouldn’t notice and/or be disturbed by all the popping and whooshing and whizzing and banging going on outside. This year, the selection was Captain American: Brave New World, AKA the one with the Red Hulk¹:

Now, Brave New World opens with a scene of Falcon Captain America taking down some terrorists led by Gus Fring Sidewinder, with the assistance of his sidekick Joaquin Falcon², which was relatively noisy, but then it quieted down and there was, y’know, talking and stuff. Which is not what we were looking for.

Wife: “This doesn’t seem like there’s very much action. And this is the only time you will hear me complain about not enough action in a movie.”
Me: “Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll get exceedingly noisy eventually.”
Wife: “It needs to be noisy before they start shooting off fireworks.”
Me: “Hmm, we should’ve started watching it sooner instead of Spirited, then.”

In case you’re wondering, Spirited is a cute and funny Australian rom-com from around 2010, which we have been watching lately. You have not seen a “not-a-review” of it because my wife likes it too much to fall asleep during it.

Things went on rather chattily for quite a while with Brave New World, eventually getting to the point where the new Captain America visited the White House for a chat with the President, Thaddeus Ross, played by somebody my wife recognized.

Wife: “Is that the guy from Shrinking?”
Me: “Yes, yes it is the guy from Shrinking.” (beat) “Of course, some people would say it’s the guy from Star Wars or Indiana Jones or Blade Runner.“
Wife: “Why would I know about any of that?”

Indeed, why would she? She remembers (usually) that Star Wars is the one with the Force and Star Trek is “the one with the worms coming out of their ears” and that’s all the mental real estate she’s willing to devote to all that stuff.

At this point it was past 9pm and I was getting kind of tired. Yes, I was the one who wanted to go to bed, for once, possibly for the first time since Beasts of the Southern Wild, although in this case my wife wasn’t staying awake because, you know, the movie was good or something.³

Me: “Do you want to stop the movie and go inside?”
Wife: “No, I have to stay awake to feed him kibble if there are fireworks.”

And there were fireworks. Not just the official ones, either. Fortunately, eventually, as was foretold, Brave New World got loud. Like, really loud. In fact, it got too loud:

Bean: (looks up and barks at the violence and explosions on the TV)
Wife: “Can we find something that isn’t so loud I have to give him kibble?”
Me: “Would you rather have to give him kibble for this or give him kibble for fireworks?”
Wife: “Fireworks. Otherwise we’re trigger-stacking⁴.”

So we paused the movie for a little while, repeatedly, to give Bean a chance to put his head down and chill out. (Lulu, meanwhile, was in the office, under my desk, wearing her Mutt Muffs⁵, after getting a little something-something to help keep her calm.) But eventually my wife decided this might be a Teaching Opportunity.

Bean: (looks up and barks at the TV as Red Hulk smashes Captain America through the roof of the White House or whatever, then promptly puts his head down after we pause it)
Wife: “You know what? Hang on, I’m going to get video of this. I can use it to show how he puts his head down and settles himself when we pause the video.”
Me: “Okay.” (backs the video up to the start of the fight) “Ready?”
Wife: “Ready.”
Me: (turns the volume up and starts the fight over again)
Bean: “ZzzzzZZzzZzzz …”
(various pieces of recognizable Washington, D.C. real estate get loudly damaged or destroyed)
Bean: “ZzzzzZZzzZzzz …”
(entire fight plays out to the end)
Bean: “… ZzzzzZZzzZzzz …”
Wife: “Oh sure, now this is all fine.”

Well, you know what they say. You can lead a dog to violence, but you can’t make him bark.⁶

1. In the movie, the emergence of Red Hulk is treated as a massive spoiler, but it’s all over every single trailer so I’m not even bother going to try to pretend he doesn’t appear. ↩︎
2. Okay his name actually is “Joaquin”, but I had a whole strikeout symmetry thing going there. ↩︎
3. Not even I thought Brave New World was good; It was, in fact, kinda mediocre, and notably lacking in Tony Stark. ↩︎
4. Basically, because the fireworks and the noisy movie are going on at the same time, he has reduced tolerance for both of them. ↩︎
5. Well, technically, Dennis’s Mutt Muffs. But they’re hers now. ↩︎
6. Nobody says this. ↩︎