No Thank You Siri

So this week I was watching the final episode of Season 2 of Rings of Power on Prime, wherein King Durin of the dwarves was … Oh wait hang on a sec:

Now then, where was I? Oh right! So anyway, King Durin of the dwarves was, under the influence of his pretty piece of jewelry, tunneling for mithril deep in the bowels of Khazad Dum. If you’ve read or seen The Lord of the Rings, you know what that means. I certainly did.

Me: “He’s going to wake up the Balrog.”

Interestingly enough, saying this seemed to cause Siri on my Apple Watch to wake up. When I want Siri to listen to me, she’s like, “Huh? What? Me?” But then she’ll decide she needs to get involved in some random conversation we’re having. In this case, she helpfully offered to send us a Balrog.

Me: “He’s going to wake up the Balrog.”
Siri: “Okay, what room?” <provides list of rooms so I can tap one on the watch>
Me: “Huh. I said he’s going to wake up the Balrog and Siri gave me a list of rooms to choose.”
Wife: “You should pick one and see what happens.”
Me: “I don’t want a Balrog in the house! We have enough to deal with around here.”

Needless to say, I did not choose a room for the Balrog to manifest, because, hey, if anyone can afford to keep Balrogs on staff and send them to peoples’ houses, it’s Apple*.

Now, the astute reader might find himself or herself surprised that my wife remembers what a Balrog is, given that this sort of falls into the category of “Things From Movies That Aren’t Really Very Important To Know”. If you are that astute reader, congratulations! You are 100% correct. My wife did not, in fact, remember what a Balrog is.

Wife: “What is a Balrog, anyway?”
Me: “It’s the giant fire demon with a whip and a sword, remember?”
Wife: <blank look>
Me: “Gandalf fought one in Fellowship of the Ring. Remember?”
Wife: <blank look>
Me: “It pulled him off a bridge?”
Wife: <blank look>

If you, astute reader, are now saying to yourself, “Self, I bet he is going to show his wife a Balrog whether she wants to see one or not,” congratulations! You are 100% correct again.

Me: “Hang on, I’ll show you the scene in Rings of Power where it shows up.”

Wife (peering at screen without her glasses on): “It looks like a volcano is about to stand up.”
Me (beat): “That’s not far off, actually.”

Now, I know Rings of Power takes a lot of crap from certain sectors for its massively compressed timescale (e.g., Sauron-in-disguise-as-Annatar is only in Eregion for a few weeks or months rather than 300 years) and for playing fast and loose with Tolkein’s characters (e.g., Galadriel acting like a tyro when she’s actually just about the oldest elf in Middle-Earth), but Season 2 has been much improved (especially when Annatar and Celebrimbor are on-screen). And, damn, that is one fine Balrog they have put on the screen ― even more impressive than its original appearance in Fellowship (which, granted, was over 20 years ago; people probably have more computing power on their phones now than Peter Jackson did then).

I guess we know where Amazon’s billion dollars went, don’t we?

* Although given that they’re reputedly coughing up like a billion dollars to make Rings of Power, I wouldn’t be surprised if Amazon has a Balrog or two in the basement as well, probably for use in busting attempts by their warehouse staff to unionize.