Nuts A-Poppin

So last night I cooked chestnuts in the toaster oven. Evidently you’re supposed to cut an “X” in them before you roast them, and if you don’t, they eventually start exploding, spraying shrapnel (bits of shell and meat) over a wide area. Who knew? (Besides the instruction label on the container, I mean. But who reads those things?)

Anyway, here is my new version of a famous Christmas song:

Chestnuts bursting in the toaster stove
Sounds like gunshots in the street
Makes the neighbors want to call the cops
Who send out a SWAT strike team

Oh, we just thought that we would roast some nuts
Now our house is under siege
News choppers circling in the sky above
Hoping to see somebody bleed

The hostage negotiator
Is calling me, he wants a list of my demands
I tell him I was roasting chestnuts whole
He replies, “You gotta slice them open, man!”

And so I’m offering this simple phrase
For anyone who wants to roast nuts too
Although its been said many times many ways
Cut them open, you fool.

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