Still, Still Not A Review Of “Game of Thrones”

As 2017 came to a close, so too did our getting caught up on all of the available seasons of “Game of Thrones”. It only took us about five months to get through them, because that’s how we binge around here: At a deliberate pace. Sort of like how long it takes the Night King to move south from Hardhome while everyone else flits around the continent on Air Westeros, or however they do it.

Oh I’m the kind of wight who likes to roam around. But not very fast.

Since my wife got hooked by the show, she’s been staying awake for pretty much the entire episode each time — at least until season 7, when the episode lengths started to approach the running times of short movies, which is pushing it on how long she can stay awake even when watching something she likes. But she never stopped with the pithy observations about what’s transpiring on-screen, and I never stopped scurrying off to write them down for later use******, helpfully arranging them by season, so that those who may not be caught up will know when to stop. Because …


Season 4:

Wife (re: Sansa being upset about having to marry Tyrion): “She should be thrilled. Anybody is a step up from Joffrey.”

Tywin explains to Joffrey that the skull of the last dragon in Westeros was the size of an apple
Wife: “What’s he talking about? An apple?”
Me: “He’s implying that Daenerys’s dragons are going to be tiny and harmless.” (beat) “Spoiler alert: He’s incorrect.”
Wife: “Oh come on. Even I know that.”

(Arya attempts to enter the Twins after the Red Wedding)
Wife (panicky): “She can’t go in there! Where’s the Hound?”
(The Hound shows up, knocks Arya unconscious, and carries her to safety)
Wife: “Oh there he is.”

Wife (as wildlings attack a settlement): “Wait, who did she* just shoot?”
Me: “Some random guy.”
Wife: “Why?”
Me: “Because they’re raiding.”
Wife: “Oh, they’re fighting again. There go all the ketchup packets.” (looks at me) “Food fight.”


Wife (re: Daenerys): “She’s the anti-Joffrey.”

Me: “Do you want to watch ‘Saturday Night Live’?”
Wife: “I’d rather watch ‘Game of Thrones’. I’m not in the mood for political humor.”
Me: “So you’re saying the world of ‘Game of Thrones’ is less depressing than American politics right now?”
Wife: “At least somebody** there has their act together and people get what they deserve.”
Me: “Yeah, they do. Eventually.”


Season 5:

(Dany goes to visit her chained dragons; they are not happy, and chase her out with fiery breath)
Me: “Her dragons are mad at her. At least they didn’t incinerate her.”
Wife: “They can’t incinerate her. She doesn’t burn.”
Me: “I’m impressed you remember that. You’re right, she doesn’t burn.”
Wife: “Yep.” (beat) “They could’ve stomped on her, though.”

(while we temporarily have no Game of Thrones discs in the house due to the vagaries of Netflix delivery times)
Wife: “We don’t have any ‘Game of Thrones’? I miss seeing it.” (pause) “Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

Random Night’s Watch Brother (re: the Wildlings): “Let ’em die! Less enemies for us!”
King Grammar Nazi Stannis (muttering): “Fewer.”
Wife (to me): “Okay, that one’s you.”


(Cersei threatens Littlefinger if Littlefinger doesn’t do what she says)
Littlefinger: “I live to serve.”
Wife (immediately): “‘Myself.'”

(After the battle of Hardhome)
Me: “Well, they just got their asses handed to them.”
Wife: “Because they weren’t properly equipped. Spent too much time talkin’.”


Season 6:

(Brienne offers her service to Sansa after rescuing Sansa and Theon from Ramsay’s men)
Wife: “At this point that seems like a no-brainer.”

(Daenerys emerges from the burning wreckage of the temple at Vaes Dothrak)
Wife: “She’s naked again.”
Me: “I guess she needs some fireproof clothes.”
Wife: “Is there any female actor who hasn’t been naked on this show?”
Me***: “Ummm … Sansa and Arya, of course … and I don’t think Catelyn Stark was ever naked ….. oh, and Meera … and, uh, Gilly … Um, I can’t think of any others right now****.”

(A Night’s Watch brother delivers a scroll to Sansa)
Me: “I wonder who that’s from.” (peers at wax seal) “Ah, it’s Littlefinger.”
Wife: “I figured it would be from him. He’s been out of the picture for a while. Still wants to marry her, huh?”
Me: “Yep.”
Wife: “Well aside from Tyrion, out of everybody else Sansa has run into, Littlefinger doesn’t seem like he would hurt her. Except he’d probably give her syphilis or something.”

(Dany, riding a screeching Drogon, lands in front of her Dothraki horde. Their horses are completely fine with this.)
Me: “Those are some really calm horses.”
Wife: “Yep.” (beat) “You should put that in one of your posts.”
Me: “I can’t, they have to be quotes from you.”
Wife: “Well, you can just pretend I said it.”

(Cartoon by Dave Elston)

Me: “So do you have a favorite character at this point?”
Wife: “It’s more a question of who’s interesting than who’s my favorite. Margaery and Tommen are interesting. Arya is interesting. Sansa is usually interesting. Tyrion is interesting, except for that one episode where they made him be stupid.”
Me: “The episode where he wouldn’t leave King’s Landing?”
Wife: “No, the one where he wanted to get out of the wagon.”
Me: “Well, you know, they needed him to do that so he could get captured by Jorah.”
Wife: “Tyrion would never have been that stupid. So those are the interesting ones.” (pause) “Oh, and Daenerys, of course.”


On Hiatus While Waiting For Season 7 To Be Released On Disc

(When scrolling through Netflix looking for something to watch, wife notices a picture from the Death Note anime)

Death Note: Guess which one’s the real monster.

Wife: “This looks like something you would watch.”
Me: “Actually I am watching it. The premise is that the kid has a notebook where if he writes somebody’s name in it, they die within an hour.”
Wife: “That sounds like a notebook Arya Stark should have.”


Season 7:

Littlefinger (to Sansa Stark): “You are not happy. What do you want that you do not have?”
Wife (imitating Sansa): “My entire family.”

(Missandei removes her dress in front of Grey Worm)
Wife: “Well, we got through one episode***** where nobody was naked, anyway.”

Tyrion: “Your Grace, you start beheading entire families …”
Daenerys: “I’m not beheading anyone.”
Wife (imitating Daenerys): “I’m feeding them to my dragon.”

(Some time after the Night King shoots down Viserion, we return to the lake, where wights are using very large chains to pull something even larger out of the water)
Wife: “What are they using those chains for?”
Me: “One guess.”
Wife: “What is he going to do with the dragon?”
Wife (in pretend Night King voice): “Now I’m invincible because I’m riding an ice dragon!”

Sansa: “You stand accused of murder. You stand accused of treason. How do you answer these charges … Lord Baelish?”
Wife (gleeful): “Oh, this isn’t going like he thought it would.”


Yeah it doesn’t seem like anyone felt too sorry for Littlefinger:

Although I will kind of miss the way he slouched around being all smarmy and scheming and evil and giving people brain syphillis just by talking to them. But as my wife observed way back in Season 4, in GoT, people do seem to get what they deserve.


* Ygritte
** Daenerys
*** Not that I’m keeping an inventory of which actresses have been naked or anything.
**** Eventually I realized that at least some of the Sand Snakes haven’t been naked yet, but I can’t really tell them apart. (No one can.) Also, Olenna Tyrell and Yara.
***** Season 7, Episode 1. In case you want to skip it.

****** Wife: “Did I really say all these things?”
Me: “Yeah, it’s all more or less accurate.”
Wife: “I don’t remember half of them.”
Me: “That’s why I write them down.”

One thought on “Still, Still Not A Review Of “Game of Thrones”

  1. I love those discussions. I wish I could watch this show with my husband. He sat through a couple of episodes with me and then declined because he thought it was too violent for him >.<


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