Not A Review Of “Avengers: Infinity War”

So not long ago we finally got around to seeing “Avengers: Infinity War“, AKA “The One Where Everybody* From Every Marvel Movie Fights Thanos”.

InfinityWar
It’s getting a little crowded in these posters. Somebody should do something about that.

Even without having seen the movie, I knew what to expect, having read the Source MaterialTM**. My wife, however, had never heard of the film.

Wife: “What is this movie about?”
Me: “It’s an Avengers movie. Tony Stark is in it.”
Wife: “Is his little blonde sidekick in it too?”
Me: “Pepper Potts? I don’t know. She’s usually in Iron Man movies, but not really in Avengers movies so much. But everyone from the other movies is in this one. Black Panther, Spider-Man, the Guardians of the Galaxy, Doctor Strange …”
Wife: (blank look)
Me: “Tony Stark is definitely in it.”
Wife: “Okay. Is he going to be Tony Stark or is he going to spend all his time in a metal suit?”
Me: “Well, he is Iron Man.”

The film opened with Thanos delivering a pretty brutal beatdown to Thor, Loki, and the Hulk, and ancillary characters who had the misfortune of hanging around with them. This caused my wife to lose interest almost immediately.

Wife: “That’s gross.”

Fortunately the very next scene involved basically the only superhero type character who’s not Riddick who can hold my wife’s attention.

Me: “Hey, there’s Tony Stark. And Pepper Potts is here too!”
Wife (slightly disappointed): “I was just about to open my laptop.”

And so she closed the laptop to watch Tony and Pepper have a chat, which was, of course, interrupted by the arrival of Thanos’s minions. She did watch the whole scene, even after Tony put on his metal suit, then promptly fell asleep as the focus shifted to a different set of characters for a while. Eventually, of course, the focus shifted back to Tony Iron Man, sans Pepper Potts, as he was now on a far-off alien planet, first battling a subset of the Guardians of the Galaxy (by accident) and then battling Thanos (on purpose).

Me (attempting to nudge wife awake): “Hey, you’re missing another Tony Stark scene.”
Wife: “I saw him already.”

At that point my wife was pretty much checked out for the rest of the film, although, given that Tony Stark was involved, she did want to know how it ended. So this of course is where we get into these:

spoilers

If, unlike my wife, you do not want to know how the movie ends, you might want to stop here for:

No_Spoilers

Otherwise, read on for:

spoilers

Don’t say River Song didn’t warn you.

Me: “So do you want to know how the movie ended?”
Wife: “How did the movie end?”
Me: “The bad guy won. He got the magic gauntlet and snapped his fingers and killed half the universe.”
Wife: “Is Tony Stark*** dead?”
Me: “Tony Stark is not dead. At one point I really thought they were going to kill him, but―”
Wife: “What about Pepper?”
Me: “Status unknown. But she’s got a 50/50 chance of being alive.”

Now of course, having read “Infinity Gauntlet” back in the day, once it became obvious that they were not going to wrap up Thanos’s quest for the gems in a single movie, the ending is exactly what I was expecting, although I was a little bit surprised at which characters they chose to blip out of existence and which ones stuck around; but I probably shouldn’t have been, given that these are “Avengers” movies, after all. In any case, there are still plenty of heroes around to make another run at removing Thanos’s magic glove. Sure, maybe they don’t have these two to help, but they (literally) couldn’t pull it off in the comic, so who needs ’em?

 

 

Butterfingers. Maybe the ringer that Nick Fury paged in the post-credits scene will have better luck. And let’s not forget the most important thing: Tony Stark is still around.

For now.

* Well, except for Ant-Man and Hawkeye, who are under house arrest, and Nick Fury, who was apparently stuck in traffic the whole time.
** The source material isn’t really Marvel’s “Infinity War” series, but more like the “Thanos Quest” and “Infinity Gauntlet” series (I guess they didn’t want to make people have to figure out how to pronounced “Gauntlet”), minus a couple of major characters who were involved in the “Gauntlet” storyline.
*** Priorities.

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