Not A Review Of “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”

So the other week we I watched “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter“.

Me: <shows NetFlix envelope to wife>
Wife: “What’s that?”
Me:  “‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’.”
Wife: “Uh-huh.”


Me:  <loading disc into player>
Wife: “What’s this?”
Me:  “‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’.”
Wife: “You were serious about that?”

Sadly, yes. Yes I was was.

Nice hat.

The premise of “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is that, uh, Abraham Lincoln was a vampire hunter.  Hence the axe.  The bigger premise is that vampires were largely responsible for the institution of slavery, as a way to ensure themselves a constant supply of food and, ultimately, participate in the American Civil War to preserve their way of life death.

Me:  <Explains the above to wife, who is audibly wondering WTF is up with this movie>
Wife:  <Looks appalled>
Me:  “Um, I can see where that might be considered offensive.”
Wife: “Might be?”

Now, this film is of course based on the novel of the same name, by Seth Grahame-Smith.  I never actually read the book.  But I did read his other famous historical mashup, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, which I thought was hilarious.  Especially the bit where the beleagured English aristocracy plant cauliflower beds around their country mansions to slow down stupid zombies, who mistake the crowns for delicious brains.

Always wash your vegetables before eating them.

So without bothering to do any research, I just sort of assumed “AL:VH” would be a similarly humorous romp, and put it in the queue.  Yeah, not so much.  Not only is it not a comedy, it barely has a sense of humor.  This is a dead serious, full-on bloody vampire-busters movie.  (Not that I have any problem with vampire-busters of course.)  And as an action/horror movie, “AL:VH” was … adequate.  It had some decent fight scenes, including a rather memorable battle between Lincoln and his nemesis that occurred in the middle of a stampede of wild horses.  But did I like it?  Not really.  My main problem with it, aside from its overall general level of absurdity and the fact that characters seemed to appear and disappear from the story for no apparent reason, was simply that Lincoln was able to fight too many vampires at the same time and still win.  Honest Abe might be good with the ol’ rail-splitter, but he’s not Buffy.

Anyway, this movie did not get the chance to put my wife to sleep.  She tuned it out and wandered off almost immediately, before the first scene was over.  And that scene didn’t even involve vampires.  Well, it did, but not overtly.  Mostly I think she didn’t like that kids were getting hit in the face with whips, or something.

Speaking of vampire hunters, in the scene I’m currently editing in Television Man, the ever-hapless Bob is about to become one, assisted by his new friend Toomes.  Of course, they’re going up against just one vampire, rather than an army; but you can’t tell that from their gear.

Toomes fully loaded for the hunt was far removed from Toomes the undertaker and dealer in stolen antiques; if Bob had seen him in a shopping mall parking lot, he would have hidden behind the nearest car and called the cops.  It wasn’t just the backpack full of vampire-hunting gear straight out of an old horror movie, festooned on the outside with garlic heads and stitched leather crosses and filled up with holy water, more garlic, wooden stakes, and a pair of mallets; he also carried a small crossbow―not the one he’d threatened Bob with―strapped to his right wrist, an honest-to-god sword in a scabbard on his belt, and an enormous knife with a brass knuckle hilt strapped to his left leg.  Bob wondered, and asked, where the automatic weapons were.  Toomes snorted.  “Shoot a vampire, you’ll just piss it off.”

Good luck, boys! You’re going to need it …

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